Resistance, a most common approach to life

written by Simone on Friday, November 20th, 2009

I watched as my brother started the process of putting his son to bed. His then two and half year old screamed and cried – seems he really didn’t want to go to bed. My brother inquired without judgment, “you can do this the hard way or you can do this the easy way, it is your choice.” He waited, not knowing how his son was going to answer; kicking, screaming, fighting sleep all the way or have a couple of books read to him, maybe a song, and then sleep.

Isn’t that what we do all day long with our minds? Haven’t we chosen for the most part to kick and scream against anything that comes up that is perceived as possibly ‘bad’ ? Or, I sometimes think, we resist anything that means change or isn’t the same as it was five minutes ago.  Here’s a little example of a dialogue that has been going on with me every Sunday morning for about eight years. I teach yoga early Sunday mornings, I love it, but every Sunday I wake up thinking and feeling something like, “I don’t want to do this, I want to stay in my warm bed” and at the end of every class I think “oh I love this, it is the best part of my day.” But still I am filled with resistance every Sunday a.m.   It’s a tiny example, but still why do I create the drama even for a moment?

The book Less: Accomplishing more by Doing Less by Executive Coach and Zen Priest Marc Lesser (fitting) is a great guide for real ways to create success and increase the quality of your life; and dedicates an entire chapter to ‘resistance,’ offering concrete ways to overcome our natural inclination to resist change.  First, he shows us the ways in which resistance shows up in our lives and how it stops us from being more successful and just happier. Negative self-talk, assumptions – thinking we know, old and limiting beliefs, and being unclear are all ways in which we resist or stop the flow of life, and the creativity and joy that comes with it. Lesser says, “the more we resist change, the more likely we are develop habituated, dysfunctional patterns…the more we embrace change, opening ourselves and our ways of thinking to new approaches and ideas, the better equipped we will be to achieve much more of what we truly hope to achieve.”

Doesn’t that mean if I practice nonresistance – I don’t resist anything – I am not making any choices in my life – isn’t that like being a doormat in life? Nonresistance isn’t about our outer lives rather it refers to a way of being. Nonresistance means we are present, fully experiencing what is actually going on (without our own story, knowingness, or ‘should’s’) and reacting or not reacting from there. For example, think about paying your bills. Now think about paying your bills as someone who is completely uninvolved in your life or neutral to your situation. The first situation can conjure up feelings of worry or distress the second situation there are little or no feelings. Either way you come to the situation, neutral or otherwise, those bills have to be paid. We can do it the hard way or we can do it the easy way it is our choice. Lots of resistance can not only make our lives terribly uncomfortable but can stop us from doing the things we want to do (even paying the bills) or more importantly be the person we want to be – maybe even as simple as easy going, enthusiastic, and engaged in our life.

It is our choice of course.  We can do life any way we want – life is happening no matter what – we can do it the hard way or the easy way. With meditation we first gain some awareness of our thoughts, their stories and the effects they have on us, not in any airy fairy (is that still a saying?) way but in a real way by literally watching the thoughts over and over and over again. In doing so we start to see them for what they are, just thoughts, and in doing so the resistance we’ve created and all the pain it can bring starts to lessen. This tool is a powerful one for creating a way of being in the world which is easier, freer and more fun.

Needless to say, my young nephew chose the kicking and screaming route that night, and many more nights to come, but to be fair he was two or so; he is three now and has moved on.  Our turn?